Kitchen You Off Your Guard

The kitchen is a treacherous place for a bachelor.  You really have to know what it is you want before you go in there, or you’re going to leave confused and defeated.  Sure, you’ll think you’ve won when you saunter back to the living room with your bag of corn chips, but how quickly you forget how long it took to decide on those corn chips.  The agony of standing in front of the cabinet, holding the doors wide open, leaning in and scanning each canned good to see if it’s worth opening and microwaving, that’s where you were just minutes ago.  Spinach would be good, right? you thought to yourself.  That can has been there for a while, I might as well eat it.  But you don’t.  Instead you shuffle through the rest of the contents and scowl at all the things that have been there for what seems like a decade and are no longer in your diet.  But they stay there just in case.

Then there is the refrigerator.  You lean on the door, cross your feet, and survey the desolation of condiments and vegetables you allowed wilt.  You look behind all the half-empty bottles in hopes you’ll find a fruit cup you forgot about.  What you find are three half empty salsa jars, one of which you are playing the waiting game with to see if you either gather up the courage to finish it or it expires and you throw it out.  You file those away as an option if there’s nothing else to chose from.

By now you are definitely discouraged by how little you have found that is not readily available for you to eat.  You recall a more optimistic version of yourself gaily skipping down the isles of the grocery store and tossing in ingredients to recipes you hope to master.  That naïve young man wanted to eat healthy, to use his time wisely and make his diet a priority.  But he forgot to take one thing into account: Netflix.  That’s right.  When binge-watching is on the line, you have no time for preparing three course meals for just yourself.  If your roommates were interested in eating the food you cooked, it would be different, but they are not. In fact, when you ask them if they want to sample what you’ve made, they make funny faces and suddenly have plans.  No, prepared food is overrated for a single man.  Everything must be able to be prepared and consumed in less than two minutes or it’s not worth it.

So, yes, you have made a decision and you are going to consume more chips and salsa while you watch the show you’ve seen multiple times before.  That feeling of accomplishment, though, is just you misleading yourself.  Hopefully the struggle to find anything worthwhile to consume will help the pendulum swing in the positive direction again and you’ll make more plans with your food. But for now, stay away from the kitchen.  It will only bring you sorrow.


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